At this moment

I'm feeling pretty wrung today. Yesterday wasn't much better. I've reached my critical mass. This is where I either get control, or lose the balance for the next month or so. Either I will get enough rest somehow in the next few days, and do good things for myself or I will spend the next month having a hard time even getting out of bed. At least that's where I think I am. I'm also feeling crampy so maybe it's just that.

The thing is I haven't really had much rest, at least not of the certain kind I require (read restful and solitary) in the last few months. There have been friend commitments and family commitments and lot of worry over my mom's health and just general "I have tos" abounding all over the place. There is a general flaw in my thinking, or maybe it's my emotions a lot of the time. I often put myself in the mindset that things I really should be enjoying .. things I WANT to do , are actually obligations. I hear myself saying "I have to go to San Francisco for Cyd's birthday for a few days." as if that is some kind of obligatory torture I have to endure. Because really getting that $650 dollar a night suite for $99 dollars a night with the killer view, omg that was torture! I can always tell when I am headed for mental and physical burn out because everything becomes an I have to.

So today I feel crampy and exhausted. My eyeballs ache my skin feels tight and my hair feels dirty and ugly even though I just washed it. My house is dirty, my diet is horrible and my mind is unorganized. This is who I am today, who knows who I'll be tomorrow.