Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Although it's never a good idea to write a post in the middle of the night when I surely should be sleeping rather than sitting on the computer, here I am doing it anyway.

I'm don't even have enough energy lately to have the kind of artistic crisis I want to. I want to feel horrible and depressed that I am not dancing and I just really don't. Right now I just don't care very much and really that terrifies me. I wonder will I ever care again? Is this the time I give in to the body and mind turmoil and just quit? I am so freaking tired lately I can't even begin to explain. I'm sure there will be time when energy returns and maybe I'll get back on track, but I'm scared.

I am scared that perhaps I have my priorities messed up and I should spend more time taking care of myself. Maybe I should be spending time with other art. Maybe I should be napping when I feel like it. Maybe I don't need to be a "dancer". I'm scared that I won't be because I know I still love it.

I'm going to dance at Desert Dance Festival on September 26th and Redwood Coast Belly dance Festival on October 2nd. I can't make the piece that I'm dancing what I wanted it to be because I feel sick every time I practice for a little bit. I'm trying to relax and give myself permission to be a little bit bad because this is technically a new beginning and we're always bad in the beginning. Yet it's killing me that it's worked out like this because I really was so excited and I wanted it to be so much more. Right now it just looks like the triumph will be in the fact that I'm doing it at all.