Saturday, May 30, 2009

I feel so good right now. I probably need a shower but I feel good. I just got back from the free workshop that Kitiera gave at the studio she will be teaching weekly classes at here in town. It was good and when she reminded us to be in our bodies I realized that I already was. That was a rare occurrence indeed. I can't really explain how synchronistict his is for me to have her teaching here. This studio is literally two minutes from my house, I could walk there. There is no sitting in traffic for five million hours and being pretty much useless already by the time I walk in the classroom.

That's a big issue for me you know, the driving. I hate the driving. I can do it, as long as Cyd comes with me (so far someday I'll fix that too), but oh my god my body is in pieces by the time I get there. Every inch of me is wound up so tight I feel like I'm going to break. That doesn't make for a successful dance class half the time. I'm already emotionally exhausted and panicky. Not that it isn't worth it, because once I get there it fully is. The problem is making myself get there. So I think for now I'm going to enjoy what's being offered to me for a while.

I'm going to try my best to reside in my body. I'm going to feel joy even when I make mistakes, and oh there are plenty of mistakes. It is called a class for a reason. I still can't get a combo or choreography to save my life. I think that part of my brain is missing. I will still try. I haven't felt this excited and empowered to dance in a long time. Blessed I tell you.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A wee bit of insight

*note* if this post sounds like I'm giving up on getting my level II (or further). I am not. Just shifting around a bit
The truth is I was burnt out. It wasn't really dancing that I was burnt out on. I was burnt out on failure. I've gotten so very sick of the inner struggle and the outer struggle and the beating myself over the head with guilt for not being strong enough.

I'd gotten really close to being ready to test for my level II, but when it came down to it I wasn't ready. I'd spent half the year preparing for that week long so I'd be able to make it through well and strong. I just didn't spend enough time actually drilling heh. I had my little cry about it and then got over it a few days later and started to look at my next plan of attack. Two weeks later I got my new car which I was so sure was going to help me with being able to afford to drive to the studio more and blah blah blah. Two days after that the car was totaled and I had some lovely torn ligaments in my neck. I wasn't badly injured you know, but it was enough for quite a lot of pain and no dancing. It took four and a half months before I was released to dance.

That certainly wasn't the first set back. The major one was Vaughn. I'd just left my troupe because I wanted to spend more time training at Suhaila's and elsewhere. At that point I was driving up there three times a week and taking every workshop I could get my hands on. In fact I think I'd been to three workshops just in those first few weeks of February. Then after a workshop with DaVid in Santa Cruz, I stood in my friend (and first teacher) Colleen's house and called a number I did not recognize after and awfully weird message left by my mother. My step-father had been in a motor cycle accident and it looked like he was paralyzed. Well, a week later he was dead and every single thing about my life changed.

It's funny I took my first level II week long not very long after his death. It was already paid for and the hotel was already booked. Right before I'd been given and antibiotic for something and remember having a weird sense of foreboding when I read the side effect paper. I ignored it of course. I ignored it when I had debilitating intestinal cramps the whole week. I was so unprepared for that workshop that Cyd had to lift my legs into the car at the end of the day. I'd be standing and all of a sudden find myself bent over in pain. I tried my best to ignore it most of the week and when the cramps came I would just bite my tongue and keep going but the evenings and nights were excruciating. It never occurred to me to go home. The Monday after the workshop found me in with my doctor receiving several bags of IV fluids and later finding out that I had c-dificile toxin thanks to the antibiotic. What the hell was I thinking.

After that I decided we had to move to El Cerrito so I could be closer to the studio since the drive is a big part of the problem for me. I don't think I can actually write about the two years of drama and heartache trying to sell our house and move was. Needless to say it never happened and it felt like another death to mourn.

So after the car accident I couldn't get myself to go back. I went back for a few weeks and then we took a vacation to Maui. When we got back it was like all of the upheaval and grief of the last three years (2-2.5 at that time) just came plunking down on my head. I backslid back into anxiety not wanting to go anywhere really much less get my butt to class. After weeks and weeks of getting up every Thursday morning and then hating myself because I couldn't get myself out the door I'd finally decided to give myself a break.

I didn't step foot in the Studio until January of this year and that was really really hard for me to do. I had so much anxiety I had to go a few times and just walk in and hang out for a few minutes before I ever took an actual class. I was back a few weeks again until my mom started having some health issues that to me take precedence over getting to class.

That's what has been going on the last few months, and I am so freaking burnt out on it all. Because, for some odd reason I never see these things for what they are, life and things that happen, but somehow as failures on my part to be superwoman. It doesn't matter that I have a body that isn't always healthy, or a brain chemistry that doesn't always support I need to be perfect so I can be an dancer damn it, and if I can't be that then I'm never going to get there right? Doesn't that just sound ridiculous?

So right now I'm feeling blessed and excited because someone I trust and admire is going to be teaching right around the corner from my house, and I have the opportunity to get back to doing what I love without the pressure that I have felt for so long. Not to mention the online classes! This is what I want right now. I want to dance.

P.S. No one is to blame for any of this but me. I put the pressure on myself. Also this is such an abridged version of life in the past few years I can't even begin to wrap myself around all of the emotions.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I...well maybe not

I've been thinking a lot about dancing lately. I haven't actually beendancing, but I've been thinking about it.

I'm quite excited actually and enormously happy that Tracy is going to be lucky enough to have Kitiera teaching here. For me it feels awfully synchronictic, like a new door opening. Hmmm.... I thought I could sit down here and explain it all, start moving it all around into the right places inside myself, it turns out I can't. Slightly disappointing all around. I've started several sentences and then pulled it back inside. Let's just say for now that it feels right, because too much has been feeling wrong both physically and emotionally. I need some right and to get moving again and to remember just how much I love it.

In the meantime some of my dolls are up at my Aunts' website AZ-SpiritWorks . I'm hoping to start working on some new pieces soon. I'm just waiting for inspiration to strike. I've been working a bit on a four panel acrylic for my bathroom the past few days. I started it a few months ago and realized I hated where it was going and just left it sitting. Now, I'm trying to re-work it and playing with some glass bead medium which is really fun. I am primarily a watercolor painter so this is all new for me. I'm very much trying to allow myself to play at all the artistic things the world has to offer up.

Friday, May 8, 2009

At this moment

I'm feeling pretty wrung today. Yesterday wasn't much better. I've reached my critical mass. This is where I either get control, or lose the balance for the next month or so. Either I will get enough rest somehow in the next few days, and do good things for myself or I will spend the next month having a hard time even getting out of bed. At least that's where I think I am. I'm also feeling crampy so maybe it's just that.

The thing is I haven't really had much rest, at least not of the certain kind I require (read restful and solitary) in the last few months. There have been friend commitments and family commitments and lot of worry over my mom's health and just general "I have tos" abounding all over the place. There is a general flaw in my thinking, or maybe it's my emotions a lot of the time. I often put myself in the mindset that things I really should be enjoying .. things I WANT to do , are actually obligations. I hear myself saying "I have to go to San Francisco for Cyd's birthday for a few days." as if that is some kind of obligatory torture I have to endure. Because really getting that $650 dollar a night suite for $99 dollars a night with the killer view, omg that was torture! I can always tell when I am headed for mental and physical burn out because everything becomes an I have to.

So today I feel crampy and exhausted. My eyeballs ache my skin feels tight and my hair feels dirty and ugly even though I just washed it. My house is dirty, my diet is horrible and my mind is unorganized. This is who I am today, who knows who I'll be tomorrow.