Cyd snuck up on me with his cell phone yesterday while I was playing with the dirt. I was a huge mess, but I was a happy mess so I didn't really mind.

We just finished planting the dwarf citrus's today. I've got a Myer's lemon, a Mandarin kumquat, a regular kumquat and something else I have no idea what it is. We'll have to see how they do this year. Right now I'm running off to the store for a few more pieces to the drip line system. I'd really like to make sure the whole thing is in place and working before I'm out of town next week.

And when in the world am I supposed to dance?

Oasis

I love the process of springing up the place. Who cares that by the middle of June all my plants will be asking me why I planted them in the middle of hell. Maybe this year they'll make it all year since we bought a drip system for the courtyard with a timer so if we are gone a few days they shall not parish. Who knows. Right now nothing is actually planted in the pots yet. They are all just huddled in the middle of the patio wondering why I am such a lazy ass.

A few years ago when we were trying so hard to sell this place all I could think about was having a real back yard to plant a huge garden in. Last year when it had finally set in that we were not going anywhere I started working on turning our little courtyard into a container garden. It really was beautiful for the better part of the summer until we went out of town one too many times and the plants couldn't withstand the heat. We even put up a misting system around part of the area because I was determined to sit out there even when it was hot. I wanted to be a summer person. I never managed it, but I will try again this year.

Today we put in a little fountain. Sometimes I think the most important part of the whole thing is just doing the work. It brings a special kind of peacefulness that I certainly could use more. Monday I'll plant.

Zombie couches

I had one of those nights. They come around at least once a month. I thought I was going to bed at 2:30 am and was just coming down to turn off the computer, the next thing I knew it was 6:00 am. I don't really think what I have can be called insomnia, it's more like an aversion to going to sleep. It comes with the territory of not ever feeling quite awake until about 5:00 pm. Who wants to go to bed when you have energy and endless amounts of stuff you could be doing? Right now I feel like the walking dead, but will I go to bed early ("early" means midnight you know) probably not. I'll be wide awake by then. Too bad the world doesn't have more to offer us nocturnes save bad t.v. and the Internet. At least that's all there is around these parts. I am surely suited to a much different type of place.



So why did I have to get up at 9 this morning? My purple couch was delivered! The purple couch is special in many a way the least being that finally there will be a place to sit in the living room that is practical. Carved wooden benches and Victorian settees may be beautiful but they are far from comfortable. The other astounding thing about the purple couch is that i bought it on a whim. Me... I whimed. I did not travel to every furniture store within a 5000 mile radius and have kittens before I made my decision. No, I saw this couch in a very normal green color and though "hmmm that looks comfy". When the sales guy showed me the colors it came in I was a little bit dazzled. I took pictures of the couch and the sofa and told him we'd be back. Cyd looked at me and asked "what are you going to do?'

"oh I'm going to e-mail these pictures to my mom and see what color she likes and what she thinks I should do" I replied even though I knew that he knew perfectly well what I was going to do.

He sighed and replied "you do NOT need to call your mother. It's your house, your couch make your own decision!"

I sat there stunned for a second not only does Cyd rarely have an opinion about furniture he rarely attempts to tell me to stop being a dumb ass.

With wide eyes I replied "you're right" because he was, and then I bought the couch. Fantastic I say!

*note* those pictures...no the couch is not blue it's purple I say! My camera battery died so phone shots it was.

Pretty shades of pink...but not

I really need to make a list of foods that are no longer going in my mouth. It's not that I'm sick of being a fat ass or anything, that comes and goes, what I am really sick of is being pink. I've known for a while now that the fact that I turn many shades of pink, red, fuchsia, and every variable of that has to do with food allergies. I know this why? I know this because one minute I am in the normal color range facially and then I eat and I become a tomato. The number one culprit seems to be white flour. I can do 80% cacao but not milk chocolate without become an itchy mess, and any form of oil save olive seems to give me palpitations.

How could it be possible that my relationship with food could become even more dysfunctional? Whine whine whine, there is nothing left to eat poor me. Thankfully that's not really true and the things I love most , fresh vegetables, seem to be just fine.

Do you ever forget that you love healthy food? Sometimes I will get in these cycles where I eat tons of stuff that is "bad" for me, egg rolls happen to be a downfall, and sometimes processed cheese food. How embarrassing, but true. In these times (which I do believe may be hormonal, or perhaps bipolaral heh) the knowledge of my love for fresh veggies and fruits seems to have been dropped completely from my memory. I mean really pickles are vegetables aren't they? That's got to be enough. Preservatives can surely be substituted for vitamins can't they? I am currently coming out of one of these periods. It's both wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I'm eating all sorts of raw healthy goodness and saying yum a lot. On the other hand my body seems to be detoxing and vomiting and nausea have occurred. My face is pinker than normal. It's really not my color.

Starting again

I've had a livejournal since 2001, and before that I had my "journal" on my website. I used to write, I wrote a lot and it felt good. I didn't think all that much I just wrote. I was never much worried about what people thought of my ramblings I just wrote.

The last few years I've been strangled and silenced by my life. I stopped having anything to say. I've had conversations with the keyboard in my head, but they never quite made it out through my hands. So I'm starting again. the truth is I have a lot to say but somewhere along the way I just figured maybe none of it was worth saying.

I don't believe in hiding things in the corners or not saying things because they aren't pretty. What fun is that. I'm too honest for myself sometimes, but I'm learning to let myself be me. I am not fully defined by these things but they are a part of me ... I am bi-polar, I am diabetic, I'm overweight and spend a whole lot of my life in a state of high anxiety. I'm also an artist, a belly dancer, a doll maker, a partner and a daughter. I like to laugh but sometimes I can't even feel enough to smile. I believe in being good to people and thinking outside myself but I can be a bitch if you live with me.

I'm 34 years old now and I'm just figuring out how to be me.