Friday, August 28, 2009

Creative Fire aka I have horrible grammar and I don't proof read

I've been wondering this week if I would be better off if I were just one "thing". Although I have probably put the most energy into dancing in the six or so years I've been doing it, I am not by definition, just a dancer. I am a multi dimensional,directional, delusional type of artist person and I think it's part of what makes me crazy. I can be a painter, a doll maker, a writer, an interior designer and probably a bunch of other things I don't have the state of mind to list. Usually if I try something I can do it. (As an aside you can not know how incredibly hard it is for me to write that without the VOICE telling me what an egotistical thing that is to say. No, I don't hear voices, you know THE VOICE.) I just keep accumulating little skills and I find that it's driving me crazy. Sometimes there are so many options of things to do I feel paralyzed because I don't know where to start. So I don't.

Other times I get the fever. Now a lot of people including me know that the fever is really hypomania usually, but whether it is driven by chemical imbalances or not what it essentially is is the Creative Fire. I've been struggling with the fire this week. A large part of my house has been rearranged this week all because of it. It really just started with one little thought which just snowballed into a cacophony of ideas that did not really die down until yesterday. One after another 'oh do this.. oh wait and then this and I have to go over there and pick up this and oh geez no I don't like how that looks let's try it this way' and on and on it goes. It is both invigorating and exhausting at the same time, joyous and full of fury. I physically sweat through it, the fever burns in my brain and I feel it on my brow. It is madness and crazymaking and yet so essentially part of who I am that I can do nothing less than embrace it. No amount of medication has ever completely killed it and I don't really think that's a bad thing.

I just wish it didn't often interfere with the other art that I'm actually supposed to be making. I didn't dance once this week. Bad bad me hahaha.

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